The State of Football 10 Years From Now (Satire)
Football in some respects is in a terrible state. All the issues within the game are not being tackled whilst every year new rules and policies are issued by FIFA to solve problems that didn’t exist or never bothered anyone. I felt it was time to take a look into the future and have a satirical glance at what world football might be like in 10 years. Below is what football news and reports might look like.
Another exciting weekend in the Multinational Bank/Insurance Company/Payday Loan Provider Premier Football Championship has left us with many brilliant talking points as the race for the title hots up. The run in will be close between Manchester City, Chelsea, Manchester United, Manchester City B and Manchester United B. They will at least all be assured of a Champions League place for next season, after UEFA’s rule change allowing competition places to be bought starting from €1,000,000,000 per team. Thus insuring UEFA has enough money to scrape by and survive. In the later rounds, re-matches have also been introduced for losing sides wanting a do-over, for a small fee of course.
At the bottom end of the table the race to avoid finishing last is reaching a boiling point with Hull Tigers desperate to avoid 20th place for the 3rd season in a row. They are mainly fighting for pride since relegation was abolished 3 years ago. It will be close between them, The Sheffield Blades and The Cardiff Dragons to avoid finished last. Their chances will be boosted by the latest news that Cardiff owner Vincent Tan has fired the entire backroom staff and appointed himself Supreme Leader. Attendances have been falling since Tan took the decision to move the team from it’s Cardiff home to Malaysia in order to boost overseas revenue. They have struggled to find players willing to make the commute from Malaysia for away games. In other news, The Fulham’s new Asian dictator owner has ordered a change in the kit to pink polka-dots because it reminds him of a beloved pair of pajamas he wore growing up and has decreed the team must play a 1-1-1-1-1-5 formation due to his fondness for the letter T.
Fans were once again outraged by ticket price increases for the 5th time this season and the introduction of the “Game of Two Halves” ticket scheme. Which forced fans to buy a ticket for each half of the game, hugely increasing the price and imposing multiple booking fees. This has caused attendances to drop around the league, but has not dissuaded clubs as they are subsidised by television money.
In the first years after relegation was abolished, the football league fell apart, with dwindling attendances and a lack of interest or investment in clubs outside the 1st tier. This year it has enjoyed a resurgence with the lower leagues forming their own new league with lower prices and a return to traditional footballing styles. A similar stance has been taken by other lower divisions across Europe and there is even talk of forming their own continental competition. These hopes have been somewhat scuppered by UEFA’s announcement that it will be taking legal action against any “unofficial” leagues. They hope to attain an injunction that will prevent organisations outside the UEFA Family from hosting or running football leagues. They have also copyrighted the word Football as well as patented the action of kicking a football and threatened legal action for anyone infringing on their intellectual property.
There was huge controversy last week when a referee failed to give a penalty for what appeared to be a blatant foul. The defender clearly came within 12 inches of the running attacker who had every right to go to ground. This saw the first game without a penalty in over 4 years. Making matters worse was the decision of the attacker’s manager to criticise the referee. He has been handed at €1m fine and will spend a day in the stocks at the League headquarters in Qatar.
Yet another transfer saga came to an end this week as Argentine Diego “Surname Naming Rights” moved from Hedge Fund to Payday Loan Provider for a fee reported to be around €5bn plus a small South American nation. He will play his football for Manchester City B who have rented his services for the season. Roughly 90% of all players are now owned by 3rd party companies.
Lastly, with the news that the Qatar World Cup made record profits, and the shock result of Qatar winning the tournament, despite conflicting reports that some games never took place and alleged large payments made to FIFA chief Sepp Blatter. The next World Cup will be held on the private island of an unknown international financier. Fans of the teams involved will of course not be allowed onto the island for the event as the financier has demanded privacy. This comes just weeks after Football’s classification was legally changed from a sport to an entertainment event. This has paved the way for the expected move to scripted games for maximum excitement.
It’s a scary thought isn’t it? Hopefully we won’t see anything even vaguely similar to that, but i still worry for the future of our beloved sport.
Photo by Joe Shlabotnik
About the Author
SYC Matt A football fan just like the rest of us. Battling with the usual ups and downs that come with supporting one of the less glamorous teams. Crusader for footballing justice.
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